I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
