I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
