with your own penis?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
