hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
