I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
