I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
