the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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