i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize