why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
A+ Viking dick
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