just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
