i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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