ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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