I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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