Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
