A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
