Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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