Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
