Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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