i would punch a child for taco bell
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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