Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
