he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
