areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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