I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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