i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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