FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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