im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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