Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i've created a new STD.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize