shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
