I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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