Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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