My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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