i think i have herpe
just one?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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