The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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