He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
