your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
