He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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