I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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