Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
