who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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