so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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