This house was built for laser tag.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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