Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
