Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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