Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You pole danced in your parka.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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