I'm pants shitting drunk right now
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
