last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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