two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
