dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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