really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
