Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
