RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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