Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just invented taco cereal.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
