Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
