I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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