either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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