So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
