Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
