Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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