somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
