So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize