I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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