Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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