Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
