before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
