eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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