My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
