I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
