Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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