He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
